Mom On The Edge

Feeling Entitled

2011-06-04T21:28:00.000-07:00

I have finally figured out why going to a restaurant on a diet is so hard. I find myself looking at the menu thinking, "I should order the chicken and steamed veggies but I'm at a restaurant, shouldn't I be eating the best looking thing on the menu." Why would someone go out to dinner and not eat the best looking thing on the menu, even if it's 2000 plus calories for one meal. I feel like I am entitled to eat whatever I want, just because we are out to eat.
While we are out to eat last night I couldn't help but look around and take a look at what others around me were eating. Here I am with my broiled chicken and lettuce with the dressing on the side enviously watching people down these huge, juicy, very yummy burgers. It just makes me so mad. And then, there's the woman sitting at the table across from us. She's ordered a salad, obviously trying to make a healthy decision, but it's topped with fried chicken strips, bacon, cheese, and dripping in ranch dressing. She should have saved herself the hassle and just ordered what she really wanted. It might even have been less calories.
I hate restaurants and diets!

Oh how things change

2010-01-11T17:44:00.001-08:00

Today I just couldn't believe my eyes, or my ears. My two oldest were fighting again. Okay, I didn't have a hard time believing that, the thing that amazed me was the way they responded to our punishment. It's so hard to come up with a good punishment that fits the crime and really makes a point. We have tried many things but today we decided to go back to good old sentence writing. Oh, how I love to torture my children by making them write sentences.

The thing is, this used to be pure torture for Ryland, who has fine motor skill problems. So, I thought he might be upset and that Kenzie would hate it but sail through them. Boy was I wrong. This school year has been amazing. Ryland has not had to use the alphasmart at school and his teacher is even teaching him how to write in cursive. I didn't think of all these amazing things until they started writing their sentences.

Kenzie threw her papers on the ground, stomped her little feet, cried, and begged to do, "anything else" and Ryland, well, he sat down, numbered his paper 1-50 and started writing. I can't believe how things have changed for him. He is amazing. His teacher is amazing. I just love him and all these new changes. While we still struggle every day with simple things because of his being bipolar it's so nice to be able to watch him be able to do something that even just a year ago he could not have accomplished.

Oh, how the tides have turned in our house, and you know, I really don't mind.

2009 all at once

2009-12-17T12:38:00.000-08:00

In 2009 I.........

Lost 50 pounds
trained for a 5k, ran a 5k
trained for a 10 mile, ran a 1o mile
trained for a marathon, and ran a marathon, that's 26.2 miles for those of you who don't know

I had my step daughter move in with us, and then tragically move out again, and is now moving back in again.

We adopted two dogs, and lost a dog

I watched my babies turn 1, 3, 9, 11, and 19

Potty trained my second to last child

Was laid off from a job and found a new job

Went to a Priesthood Preview fireside with my oldest son, and realized that in just a few weeks I will be the proud mother of a deacon

Struggled with my son all through 5th grade and finally found a classroom that fits his needs, and am now the mother of a happy son who has friends, does his work, and is not constantly in trouble at school

Learned to knit but forgot how to scrapbook and sew or at least forgot how to find time for those things

Attended my favorite Christmas party twice and went home with two gorgeous ornaments, both from the same person

Have read several great books and a couple not so great ones

Learned how to survive without my husband during the week and how to lean heavily on my Heavenly Father

Okay, I am sure there is a lot more that happened this last year but that's all that I can think of right now. I've missed you all out there in the blogger world and can't wait to start blogging again.

Acceptance

2008-12-03T23:22:00.000-08:00

I think it has finally come and maybe all due to my sister-in-law. I am feeling like myself again, I am getting out of bed again, I am talking, and not screaming, to my children again.
Let me explain. My sister-in-law came up last week. The kids had the week off of school for parent/teacher conferences and Thanksgiving. I was a little scared to be alone for the week with the kids out of school and some how talked Alysia into staying with me for the week. And what an absolute blessing she was. Her children are older and she loves babies so she held my baby for me all week. ALL WEEK! She woke up with the kids and helped them with breakfast, she watched the kids while I went to the store or ran other errands. She carried on adult conversations with me, and she just hung out. For an entire week. It has really taken me out of my funk and made me realize that I can do this. I can't tell her enough how much she helped me by just being here for me, with me, all week.
I realize that my husband is not going to magically find a job closer to home. We are not going to magically wake-up one day and be debt free. This is not going to be easy for us. BUT IT IS POSSIBLE TO SURVIVE through this. And more than just survive but be happy while doing it. Our bishop spoke to us this last Sunday about provident living and becoming debt free. It just reinforced that what we are doing is the right thing.
I have so many people to thank for helping me make it to this point. My friend Robbie came over two nights ago and showed me how to chop wood. Too bad he didn't get here sooner, he might have saved my finger and foot from the trauma they experienced. But he came over and chopped wood for me in the very cold night air.
As I already said, Alysia spent a week with me and helped me to become me again.
My trainer has had a huge part in my healing and acceptance. She is so very supportive and there for me. She has helped me to realize that food is not going to make me feel better and has helped me realize some goals that I never thought I could accomplish.
My mom listens to me freak out every time I need to yell and I don't want to yell at the kids or upset my husband by freaking out on the phone with him when we both know there is nothing he can do.
My fellow bloggers. I'm not sure if you all know how much your comments have lifted me up or brought smiles to my face when I wasn't sure I could smile.
And finally, my husband. Through all of this he has been there for me. Supported me. Loved me. And slapped me into reality when I was way off in space. OK, he didn't literally slap me but you know what I mean.

Oh, and today was the end of my 10 week biggest loser challenge. We were supposed to have our finale tonight but they changed it at the last minute and we will do another final weigh-in on Saturday morning. And I can't wait to tell you all my results! I haven't reached my goal weight yet but it has only been 10 weeks and I had more than 50 lbs to lose. I will post before and after pictures and my inches lost, as well as how many pants sizes I have lost. It's amazing and I can't wait to finish this journey and reach my goal weight, or size, I haven't decided yet.

It could always be worse, right?

2008-11-19T22:03:00.000-08:00

I just found myself telling a friend, "It could be worse." But is that really true? Can things really be worse? I mean, I guess I could be dead but as the song goes "And should we die before our journey's through. Happy day! All is well. We then are free from toil and sorrow too. With the just we shall dwell!"
This has been a heck of a week. Let's just start with today, since it is all so fresh in my mind.
Please, any Hoover parents, this is not about you, at least I don't think it is.
Kenzie really wanted to try out for the talent show at school this year. She missed last week and today was the only other time she could try out. No biggie, right? All the note said is that she would need a ride home. As a little background let me explain the school situation. My kids' school is being rebuilt and they are being sent to two different schools. Ryland is across the street at the middle school and Kenzie is bused to Hoover. Their school used to be just around the corner and it was easy to walk there or have them walk home. Anyway, Ryland and Kenzie get out of school at about the same time but they are in two different places. So, I was going to have Kenzie stay at the school, try out and then pick her up once Ryland was home. We then were going to go to her orthodontist appointment. Busy, but no big deal.
About 30 minutes before the audition I get a phone call from her school. I need to come down and sign a paper so that she can audition and I need to be there with her. This makes for a bit of a time crunch but I get the two little ones ready and patiently wait for Ryland. As soon as he got home I rushed everyone into the car and took off for Kenzie's school. When I got there she was waiting for me in the office. A little weird, I thought she would be in the gym but whatever. I sign the paper, of course my daughter isn't going to use any offensive language, and rush her to the audition. The women in charge asks for our paper and hands me a number. 38. Let me say that again, 38! I then explain my situation, I have all 4 children with me, two of which are sick, and my daughter has an appointment in an hour. Can we please go sooner? Can you guess what she told me? Can you see where this is going? She had the nerve to tell me that I should pack up the kids, drive across town to the appointment, and then come back. What the!? Does the woman have no children of her own? Did she realize what she was asking of me? And if we missed the audition, Kenzie would never forgive me. So we decide to wait, and wait, and wait. We waited for THREE hours. I was the only mom there with children who were not school age. The two year old screamed for about half the time and then threw up every where. The 6 month old cried, he has puss pockets on his throat and won't eat. The 10 year old bothered everyone in site and took food from who knows where. And Kenzie, she cried. Three hours. And then, as the end of the third hour was approaching, the woman had the nerve to say, "Oh, I think it's almost your turn. That wasn't so bad, was it?" I wanted to kick her face in. Claw out her eyes. Rip her hair out, strand by strand. If it had been the Roosevelt PTO, they would have been compassionate and let me go ahead. I wasn't asking to go first. I wasn't trying to get out of staying and waiting. I was trying to juggle.
Three hours!!!!!!
She'd better make it into the talent show!
As for the rest of my week. Needless to say, it's been interesting. With both babies sick I have not really been getting any sleep. My usually happy, never really fussy baby has turned into a hold me, never put me down, won't sleep baby. I am sleep deprived and on top of that I am taking steroids, FOR MY ASTHMA, not to bulk up, and they make me crazy and sleepless.
And my son was diagnosed with juvenile onset of bi-polar disorder. And my husband lives 2 hours away. What is going on? I'm not sure how much more I can take, really.
The bi-polar, well, we knew it was leading to that, so it wasn't really a shock, just a huge reality check. Bi-polar is forever.
The asthma and steroids, well that goes along with working out. And I really am loving the working out. Not being able to go to the gym because the kids are sick is really adding to my depression.
But the husband living two hours away. That is really killing me. I know that things aren't easy for him, being there without all of us and missing out on what we are doing. But he doesn't have 4 kids to take care of all alone. I need a break but I think I have worn out all of my friends with helping me with necessary things and there's no favors left for just some plain old sanity time.
People keep asking what they can do to help but what do you tell people? How can someone help me, really? Can they come spend the night with me so that they can help me in the middle of the night with the baby? Can they make dinner so that I can get some of the chores that have been neglected done? Can they come spend hours over at my house so that I can have a conversation with someone that's not two or not arguing with me about not wanting to do homework? I love my friends, I am greatful for all of the offers for help but I just don't know what I need. I need my husband. I need to be out of debt so that he can quit this horrible job. I need to know why I am not supposed to move to be with him. I am just needy, and sad, and depressed, and living a lie of telling people, "Oh, we're ok." I mean, I guess we're ok. We have a home, it's warm, we have food in the fridge, I'm not actually a single parent, my children, other than my son, will get better.
It could be worse, right?

My Testimony

2008-11-06T07:12:00.001-08:00

Well, today is another day and I am still here. I guess that is something to shout about, right? I have felt so blessed by all of the uplifting comments left and all of the real life hugs and offers of support that I feel I need to let everyone know how grateful I am.

I have a testimony of the power of prayer. I wasn't raised in the church and I wasn't taught how to pray or even why people pray. It took a lot for me to realize that prayer is such an important tool. I have had so many prayers answered in the last couple of years. I still struggle with daily personal prayer and I especially struggle with turning to prayer when I am angry. But when I humble myself enough to get down on my knees and turn to my Heavenly Father for help I realize that he has just been patiently waiting for me to ask so that he can shower me with help and blessings, more than I feel I deserve.

I have a testimony of service. Both of giving and receiving. Each time I give of myself without grumbling I am blessed. In RS this last week we listened to President Uchtdorf's talk that he gave during the General RS broadcast and something he said really struck me. He told us that when we are feeling especially down, like our lives are spinning out of control and we feel that we are dealing with more than we can handle, we should find someone who is in need of something and go help them. He said it will make you realize that what you are struggling with is not as bad as you think it is. You will realize that there are others with much bigger problems than you and you will be given the opportunity to make their load a little lighter. I know that all too often I get caught up in the "why me" state of mind. It is truly hard to break out of and I was so inspired by this thought of instead of continuing to drown yourself in self-pity to look for someone in need and give of your time.

I have a testimony of the Prophet and the other church leaders. I know that they are inspired by God to lead us and guide us. I know that President Monson is a prophet of the Lord.

I have a testimony of the blessings of the Priesthood. I am so grateful that my husband is a worthy priesthood holder. He is able to lead and guide our family through inspiration from the Lord. I have a testimony of it's healing power. I have seen children healed, I have felt the healing power myself. Both of a physical and spiritual nature. I know that my husband has his own struggles but I am so thankful that through it all he is still a worthy priesthood holder.

I am grateful for my family. I love my husband and my children. I love all of you, too. You help me get up when I have fallen. You help me to laugh when I am having a bad day. You help me to realize that I am not alone in all of this. Thank you.

Sorry Sue, I have to

2008-11-05T06:22:00.001-08:00

Sue turned her comments off for this post which I COMPLETELY understand. But I have to say this, it's not his views, which many think are socialist, it's his stand on the war that scares me. Maybe I am wrong, maybe I am the only one who thinks this, but I think we have been mostly safe for the last few years because we have shown that we are not going to just pack up and go home. We are going to continue to protect ourselves. I know that people are dying, I get that and I am really, really grateful for all that they have done to protect my family. I am truly grateful for all of the men and women who have given their lives for my freedom and safety and that continue to put themselves in danger each and every second of the day.

I will just continue to pray that Obama will do what is best for our country and its inhabitants. I will pray that he will be able to make our economic crisis better. I will pray that he will have the strength, knowledge, and guidance to truly make some changes. I and will pray that there isn't a drunk, backwoods redneck in rural Mississippi plotting his assassination as we speak.

Goodbye US, I'm moving to Canada!

2008-11-04T21:32:00.001-08:00

Please Go Vote!

2008-11-04T07:50:00.001-08:00

Do it, right now! If you have already, yeah for you. I'm not going to tell you who to vote for I just want you to take a few minutes out of your day and GO VOTE! PLEASE!

Heavenly Father, are you sure?

2008-10-30T13:03:00.000-07:00

I went to the temple Tuesday night. I had it in my mind that I needed to go Sunday when Chuck left and Tuesday evening couldn't come soon enough. When he left Sunday I almost packed our bags and followed him. I think this is what a mental break down feels like. I am so completely scatterbrained lately. I can't even think straight, simple thoughts. I'm all over the place, can you tell?

OK, back to the temple. I was ready to move. I just wanted to have a better attitude towards moving. I don't want to go down there and have a bad attitude and make the move hard on everyone. So, off I went. On the way there I was thinking about all the things that needed to be done to prepare for the move. I needed to pack, find a storage unit, a renter for the house, a new psychiatrist for Ryland, an orthodontist for Kenzie. A new family doctor. I needed to figure out how to transfer Ryland's IEP. And so on. My head was full and I was completely overwhelmed by the time I made it to the temple.

As always, a calm feeling came over me as soon as I walked in the doors. That is one blessing that I was really going to miss by moving. Currently, the temple is only about 15 minutes from my house, not more than 2 hours. I tried to feel the spirit and look for answers while I was there but as always I found myself just struggling to stay awake. What a loser. As I sat in the Celestial Room I waited for an answer, I wasn't leaving without one, no matter what it was.

And then it came to me. "Don't move." What!? Every time I think I have things figured out, I think I am doing the right thing, I find that I am completely on the wrong track. As I look back over the last couple of days I can see that I was making a hasty decision based on a couple of moments of weakness, without the council of my Heavenly Father. And I realize that even though I may now feel like I am ready to move, it may not be the best decision for my son. Or maybe I am not done with my mission here in Medford. Or maybe I'm not as ready as I think I am. I don't know. I haven't a clue why I am supposed to stay here. But here I stay.

So, you may find many more posts where I think that I am losing my mind but at least I know that I am doing what my Heavenly Father knows is best for us right now. I will continue on and change my attitude. I will find the best in my current situation. At least, that's what I am praying for right now, the bright side of this bleak situation.

And thank you to all of those who have left such inspiring comments. Your prayers and thoughts have helped to make my day a little brighter!

Waffles

2008-10-29T20:17:00.001-07:00

Loren tried to make waffles this afternoon. Need I say more about how my day was?

Depression is such a funny thing

2008-10-27T08:10:00.000-07:00

Depression has always baffled me. I start to think about all the things that need to be done and yet I become so overwhelmed and depressed that I just end up not doing anything. Then I become more depressed over the fact that I haven't gotten anything done. Not that my life is completely falling apart. From the outside I would say that most people can't tell there is even anything strange going on with me right now. I still smile and laugh and make jokes. I tell everyone, "Oh, everything is fine. The kids and I hardly notice that Chuck is gone all week." I have only missed two workouts in the past 5 weeks. And even though I would like to go sit in my pantry and eat myself into a comma I have managed to lose about 10 lbs as of last week and 5 inches off my body as of two weeks ago. But I am struggling. I so don't want to get out of bed in the mornings. I cry all the time, when no one else can see me, including the kids. I want to rip my hair right out and lay on the floor.

The kids have been so great through all of this. They do their homework, they only fight me a little when I ask them to do their chores but I still find myself yelling at them. It has nothing to do with them though. It all has to do with the blackness that I feel taking over. I stopped reading my scriptures daily and I don't pray regularly. Think that could be making my problems worse? Yeah, me too.

I hate the fakeness of it all. I wish that I could just tell people, no this really sucks! I hate that we are in so much debt that my husband had to take a job out of town to make enough money that we can start to get out of debt. I hate smiling all the time when I feel like yelling at the top of my lungs. Why do we feel it necessary to make people think that our lives are perfect? Why do I keep trying to tell myself that it's better to suffer silently and not even let my husband know how bad it really is? Why do I stop taking my medication when I need it the most?
Why, Why, Why?

Because we don't want others to know that we are weak. Well, guess what. I am weak. And it is really starting to take it's toll. So, why don't I just move to where my husband is? Good question. We have a bad history there, but that doesn't really have anything to do with it. We are no longer that young, struggling couple without any spiritual support. We are so passed all of that but I can't make myself go back. Crescent City is one of those places that when you leave you shed no tears and have no desire to look back. There's nothing there for us. There's no culture, the town is dead. Other than the prison the only real source of income for people is Wal-Mart and welfare.

I opened up to my mom a little the other day. She thinks I should move. Temporarily. But how do you move for only a few years. My dad has offered to let us stay in his house, rent free, while we rent our house. That would allow us to put almost all of our income into bills and get out of debt much faster. I know it sounds great and I really do see the wisdom in it. But I can't make my heart want to do what my mind knows is the right thing. Will my children survive those type of moves? Our son already has problems. Will he be able to move to a new school for two years or so and then move back? What type of support will they have for him at another school? Oh, there are so many questions that I have. And if we move down there, temporarily, will we really ever come back?

How did we let ourselves get into this type of situation? I guess that we could just file bankruptcy and be over it but would the prophet approve? We sure haven't been counseled to not repay our debts, if possible, have we. And we would still have student loans and how would we ever be able to start over? I feel like it is too late in life for us to try and start from scratch.

Well, thanks for letting me vent. I will try and catch you all up on the things that have been going on lately. We went to the pumpkin patch for our annual hay ride. The baby is getting huge. We went to a great concert, definitely more on that later. Have a great day and thanks to all of you who have been checking up on me, making sure that I am still alive.

Why do we encourage them?

2008-10-01T14:00:00.000-07:00

As I was playing with the baby tonight I started to think about all the things that I don't want him to learn. For all those new moms out there or even mothers who have more than one but still have a baby I want to share some thoughts with you.

Don't encourage them to talk. I remeber how much we talked to our first two children, encouraging them to learn new words, express themselves. Now, I have a 10 year old who often uses the phrase "I hate you" and an 8 year old who hardly has anything nice to say. Not to mention that I forgot not to teach the two year old not to talk and now he screams everything that he has to say because he is just so excited about all the new words and phrases he knows. Sorry Collynn, but mommy is not going to teach you to talk. The baby babble is just fine with me and we can learn to communicate through signs.

Don't encourage them to move. I know, I know, you don't want to have to carry them everywhere you go but trust me, it's better than chasing them around the store. It's easier then finding them jumping on your dinning room table. More convienent than having to worry each time it gets quiet. The two year old has learned, from his very short, older sister, how to move the furniture around to climb up and reach anything that looks interesting to him, like the sugar bowl, the water tap on the refrigerator, and the toothpaste in the bathroom.

Never, never, ever encourage them to eat solids. I remember looking forward to the day that I could finally feed them that first bowl of rice cereal. What a huge thing. Now, they make food messes all over the house, and never clean up after themselves, they make great comments like, "Gross, is that what we're having for dinner? I'd rather go to bed hungry." And did you read the part about the mess?

And last but probably not least, don't encourage them to potty train. I remember this one so well. I couldn't wait to not have to change any more diapers. Let me tell you, changing a diaper is so much easier than pushing a full cart and dragging 4 children to the crowded bathroom at the store when your newly potty trained toddler just can't hold it another second. Trust me, please, it is so much easier to change a diaper than trying to keep your toddler from grabbing the rim of the toliet as they sit their and do there business. Is there anything dirtier or nastier than the rim of a public toliet.

I am always amazed at how much we look forward to these milestones without worrying about their repricussions. We take pictures of them, journal them, scrapbook them, blog about them, tell everyone we know about them. Not once do we sit back and think, why did I encourge them to do that?

Just a few signs that I had a really good workout today

2008-09-29T22:04:00.000-07:00

1. I cried when I came home and realized that I had to walk up the three stairs to our front door.

2. My hair is a disaster today because I couldn't raise my arms over my head to style it.

3. I have been watching the clock, counting down the seconds until I can take my next dose of ibuprofen.

4. The 13 pound baby has spent much of the day crying on the floor because I don't have the strength to lift him up.

5. I keep falling asleep and not realizing it.

And #6. I have to hold on to the counter for support every time I sit down to use the bathroom because I'm afraid my legs will give out on me and I will just fall down.

I think that my trainer tried to kill me today. And I can't wait to go back tomorrow for more, if I can get out of bed.

I'm on fire!

2008-09-27T21:58:00.000-07:00

Literally, or is it figuratively. My outer thighs are on fire! And not because I am some great athlete who runs so fast her outer thigh catches on fire, that only happens to my inner thighs when I run because of all the friction. Anyway, I have been doing the Biggest Loser faithfully for 4 day now and yesterday was my first resistance workout. Apparently I have some lower body strength so the trainer had me doing 160lbs on my lower legs. I hurt so bad when I came home I could barely make it to the couch to lay down and die. I thought the burning might go away with a good night's rest, which I didn't get, and the burning is still here, more than 24 hours after the workout. I must really be out of shape.

Speaking of no sleep, my trainer was asking me a lot of questions about my lifestyle so that she could customize my workouts and meal plans. One of the questions went a little like this:

Trainer- What time do you go to bed at night?

Me - Do you want the truth or what I think you want to hear?

Trainer- The truth of course, I really want you to succeed.

Me - Well, I guess I go to bed around 2.

Trainer - AM?

Me- Yeah, my husband works nights and I have a hard time going to bed when he's working.

Trainer - And what time do you get up?

Me - The kids have to be out the door by 7:30, so my alarm goes off around 6:30.

Trainer - You seriously need more sleep, especially if you are going to be successful with this program.

Me - Oh, don't worry. I nap everyday when my babies lay down!

Yes, I do go to bed late, I do wake up early, unless my husband is home. He gets the kids ready on his days off, love him! And I really do nap during the day, sometimes, occasionally, ok, rarely.
Did I really lie to my trainer to make me seem more likely to succeed? Yes, I did. I will probably burn in hell for it but I was so humiliated with the truth that I had to do something to redeem myself. Plus, doesn't she have kids? Doesn't she know moms run on about 0-4 hours sleep on a regular basis?

I hope none of you think any less of me because of this. It was a panic lie, I swear. And I have napped during the day before.

Mad Hatters Anyone?

2008-09-24T10:40:00.000-07:00

I think I've gone mad. I've finally fallen of the edge. I don't even know who I am right now. Why, you may ask, did you fall off? What finally pushed you that last little step? The truth is, I don't know.

The Miss Molly Mormon Fairy has been frequenting-is that a word or did I just make it up-my house lately. I really am not domesticated. I don't want to be thought of that way. I have a business degree, I graduated with honors. I am in a book group where we have deep discussions. But this person keeps showing up. Two weeks ago she made 132 jars of jam. Last week she started making homemade bread, including pizza dough for the kids. This week, she made 5 baby blankets for baby showers. And yesterday, the worst thing happened, she started dinner by 11 am AND mopped my living room floor. I'm telling you, I have no idea who she is or why she keeps stopping by. I think I'm going mad.

The Biggest Loser has taken over my life. I can't stop thinking about it. I went to the gym this morning and actually worked out, not just stood around and gabbed with fellow gym members. I have been writing down everything that goes in my mouth. I am eating every two to three hours, and healthy things, not junk food. I posted pictures of my former "skinny" self all over the house to remind me of why I am doing all of this. I am actually thinking of this as a true lifestyle change, not just a diet. Again, I think I'm going mad. I hate to work out, hate it, hate it, hate it. I love junk food, I live for chips and salsa. I gobble down cookies by the handful. Who is this health freak that has taken over my body?

I have become the freaky coupon lady. You know that person who carries coupons with her every where she goes. The one that takes hours at the check stand because of all the coupons she has. That's me, yep I know you hate me now but I can't stop. I look forward to the Sunday paper. I love going to the grocery store and I actually get a little high each time I look at the bottom of my receipt and see that I have saved over 50%. I save coupons for friends who I know use items that I don't. What is going on with me?!

And the last straw, the thing that lets me know that I have gone mad, that the person I see in the mirror is a complete stranger. I have been reading my scriptures. I know, how could I do such a thing and every day. Every Day!

Well, for those who are worried, don't worry too much. I'm sure this won't last long. This person will soon give up. I know that I am stronger than the stranger. After all, these bad habits that she is trying to change have been with me for many, many years. She'll never last long.

But if she does win, think about it. I'll be a skinny, crafty, domesticated, rich, super spiritual person and all of you will want to be just like me.

I AM the biggest loser

2008-09-19T16:23:00.000-07:00

In the newspaper yesterday was an add for a local gym that is hosting its own version of The Biggest Loser. I'm sure that there are gyms all over that are doing this same thing. I have been wanting to work out, really I have. I know that I am fat. I know that I need to lose weight and have a healthy heart and blah, blah. blah. But I just couldn't find the motivation I needed to actually get off the couch, stop blogging, and do something with myself. I have found the motivation and it is $600. As some of you know, I am trying to get out of debt right now and $600 is a lot of money. I have lost weight before, imagine the weight I could lose with a $600 carrot in front of me to chase after.
So, I will be the biggest loser. I will win that $600. I will not post Before pictures until after I have After pictures, so don't even ask. I need encouragement though so I am looking to all of you for help. Keep an eye on me, do you have any good advice as to what to do when the alarm goes off in the morning and you just want a few more minutes of sleep? What do you snack on when the kids are eating cookies and you soooooo want one? And do any of you have any motivational success stories of how you lost the weight?

2008-09-18T17:51:00.000-07:00

I don't think that there are many people out there who know me and therefore, no one really has any memories of me but I will post this for the couple of you out there who know me in "real life." For those of you who don't have any memories of me, you can just leave a comment about what you think of my blog!

1. As a comment on my blog, leave one memory that you and I(or any of my family members) had together. It doesn't matter if you knew us a little or a lot, anything you remember!
2. Next, re-post these instructions (if you haven't done this already) on your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you. It's actually pretty funny to see the responses. If you leave a memory about me, I'll assume you're playing the game and I'll come to your blog and leave one about you. If you don't want to play on your blog, or if you don't have a blog, I'll leave my memory of you in my comments.

My Poor Children

2008-09-17T11:54:00.000-07:00

I am such a mean mom. I love to torchure my children in any way that I can. And I like to take pictures of it for blackmail later in life, like when they are dating. I took some great pictures this last month of some of the things I did to torture them. Enjoy!

#1 I think this is #1 because it truly is torture, legal torture. Every night I get to crank her pallete expander, which really does hurt. I should know, I had one when I was younger.

#2 Making my 2 year old bathe in the infant tub. Actually, I don't make him do this he just likes to because his little brother does. I think it's a jealousy thing.

#3 Bathing the baby with the 2 year old, who doesn't know not to splash.

#4 Putting pig tails in my little boy's hair. My husband says he makes a beautiful little girl and we had no idea how much he looks like his sister.

#5 This one actually tortures the entire family. Ryland hates any homework that involves extensive writing. He has fine motor skill problems. (we have worked with the school and he has an IEP. They have modified his homework to accomodate this but he still has to do some writing. I could do a whole post on all of this.) Once a week he has to write his spelling words once each, instead of three like the rest of his class. We have witnessed a fit that lasted hours over this. My boy is smart, his IQ score is VERY high (they tested him last year) but man does he hate writing.

And yes, he always sits in his seat like this. It's very annoying but what can I do.

"We have a little problem with your daughter"

2008-09-16T00:48:00.000-07:00

This morning went something like this:

Mrs. S - "Christy, this is Mrs. Soandso from the school. We have Kenzie here in the office."

Me -"Is there something wrong? Does she not feel well?"

Mrs. S - "Um, no, she feels fine. But,um, well, did you notice that her hair was bright pink?"

I think to myself, "Uh, yeah I did. I brushed it before I sent out the door."

Me - "Yes, I realize that her hair is pink. My husband dyed it for her this weekend."

Mrs. S - "Well, um, it's really bright."

Me- "Is there a problem?" -I keep wondering, why is she calling me and what does she want from me?

Mrs. S - "Well, it's really distracting to have her hair pink. Can you come pick her up? Kenzie said you're not going in to work today."

Me - "Actually, I'm getting ready to leave for work right now. Why should I pick her up?"

Mrs. S - "Her hair is PINK. It's distracting to other students."

Me - "Alright, well, it will wash out eventually. It's not permanent." At least I don't think it is.

Mrs. S - "Well, we don't have shampoo in the office here to wash her hair with."

Me - "Can't you just send her to class?" Why is she calling me again?

Mrs. S - "Uh, um, well, I guess we can today but can you keep her out of school until the color washes out?"

Me - WHAT!!! "No, I can't. It's not in the parent handbook that she can't have colored hair. Is this going to be a problem or can you just send her back to class. I really need to get to work and I'm not sure that I understand what the problem is."

Mrs. S - "Well, I guess I'll send her to class but please, can you get the color out of her hair by tomorrow."

In our house we choose our battles. Hair is not one of the things we choose to fight. It grows back. Color fades. It's fun to change your hair, don't we all do it? I can't believe that the office wanted me to pick her up and keep her until the color washed out. It's not as if I sent her to school in a short skirt and a thong. We live right across from the middle school and let me just say that the color of my daughter's hair is probably one of the least distracting things that girls are sporting to school these days. I spoke with her teacher this afternoon and she told me there was no problem with her hair and to please send her to school.

Are we just weird? Would you let your 8 year old color her hair pink? It actually looks really cute and was a great bonding experience between she and her dad. I don't regret it. And I'd let her do it again, I think.

I've been tagged, twice I think

2008-09-08T21:27:00.000-07:00

Alright, I think Kathlene tagged me awhile back and I totally dropped the ball and I was tagged again today by Ramona so I will try and do them both. With the help of my lovely husband Chuck who knows me better than I do myself.

First, 6 things you probably don't know about me.

1. I have a foot thing. Most people know this but they don't know how much it affects my life. I don't want anyone to touch my feet, unless I am getting a foot massage from my husband. I don't like to step out of the shower onto the bare floor and the rug can't have anything on it that will stick to the bottom of my foot. This will seriously freak me out. I don't like to take baths because all I can think about is two things, snot rockets blown in the shower and every one's dirty feet that have been in the tub. No one, and I mean no one except my sweet children up to about the age of 4, can touch me with their feet. It may actually cause me to vomit, just ask Tom.

2. I can't sing. Well, anyone who sits near me in church already knows this but I like to pretend that I can sing when I am alone in the car and sing as loud as I can.

3. I chased after Chuck, big time. Not only did I chase him down but I wouldn't let him leave every time he tried. We were introduced by my ex-boyfriend who was then a good friend. Chuck is 7 years older than I am and I did everything I could to get him to go out with me.

4. I was senior class president.

5. Many people thought, and maybe still think, that I am a stuck-up b..., excuse the language. Truth is, I am just really shy and don't talk to people I don't know.

6. I never wanted to be a mom. I wanted a job with a corner office, prestige, awesome money. I NEVER wanted children. I didn't babysit. I didn't have any brothers or sisters when I was growing up. I was one of those rude people who would say to the mother in the grocery store, "Can you not hear your child calling your name over and over again." Boy did that comment come back to kick my butt.

Now for the second list.

Attached or Single-Attached obviously.

Best Friend-This is such a hard question to answer. I guess it depends on who I am with at the time. But the person who's always near or at the top is definitely Chuck.

Cake or Pie-Chocolate cake every time.

Day of Choice-Any day that Chuck has off. I hate being alone all the time.

Essential Item-how sad is this but I would probably have to say the t.v. I rocks me to sleep at night and keeps my sane during the day.

Favorite Color-brown-is that weird?

Accomplishments-Staying married when everyone thought we were doomed. We didn't have the fairy tale beginning but we'll have the fairy tale ending. Earning my BS in business with two children and a husband. I graduated with honors. Can you tell that I am a little proud of that.

Hometown-depends on who you ask. Chuck will tell you it's CrescentCity, CA but I will tell you it's Santa Barabara, CA

Indulgences-Eating cookies in bed after all the kids are asleep. Reading a book all day long and ignoring all household duties.

January or July-January of course. It's my month!

Kids-5 Alexz, Ryland, Kenzie, Loren, and Collynn

Life is Incomplete Without-not sure yet, but I'll tell you when I figure it out

Marriage Date-another subject of controversy in our relationship. We were married civilly March 14, 1998. We were sealed in the temple March 29, 2003.

Number of Siblings-wow, I didn't realize this was going to be so hard. My biological father, or sperm donor as he is referred to in my family, has two children other than me, I think. At one time I had a step brother and sister, but that was only for 6 months. I currently have a step brother and sister, different than before. And I have a couple of friends who are more like my sister than my friend.

Oranges or Apples-neither, I prefer under ripe nectarines.

Phobias-well I would name them all but that would take all day so I'll just give the top five:
1. The Dark
2. Someone being in the back seat of my car when I get in.
3. Myself or someone else will drop one of my babies.
4. Being home alone all night-but I am conquering this one a little every day.
5. Spiders and other creepy crawlies, but again, I am conquering this too.

Quotes-I'd like to impress you all with my intellect here but honestly, I don't have one.

Season-Winter. Funny thing is, I hate being cold but I love the snow, and Christmas.

Unknown Fact About Me-see above for about 6 of them.

Very Favorite Stores-Old Navy, Sugar and Spice Paper Company, Barnes and Noble, and the used bookstore in Ashland.

Worst Habit-Talking with my hand over my mouth. Old habit from before I had my braces.

Your Favorite Food-this changes from day to day and place to place. I love McDonald's french fries. Any homemade bread. My Grandma's oatmeal, raisin, walnut cookies.

Sign-Aquarius

OK, who knew this would be so hard. My life is complicated, or maybe it's not and I just make it that way. Who knows. But there it is. You now know a lot about me.

To my friend who thinks she's fat:

2008-09-08T15:09:00.000-07:00

And you know who you are. We have looked over your application for the Fat Mommies Club and are going to have to deny you for the following reasons:

1. You only have one chin.

2. Your ankles are smaller around than my upper arms.

3. If you wear a girdle, which I doubt, it's to hide an almost invisible belly pooch, not to make all your rolls look a little smoother.

4. No child has ever looked at you and said, "Mommy, look how fat that lady is."

5. Your thighs are two seperate people, not permanently attached to each other.

6. Your stomach doesn't rest on your lap when you sit.

7. Your breasts stick out further than your largest fat roll.

8. Cottage cheese is something you eat, not something you think of every time you see your butt or thighs in the mirror.

9. You probably still have sex with the light on.

10. The bed doesn't actually sigh with relief when you get up in the morning.

When you have met 8 or more of these conditions please let us know and we will then revist your application. Until then, enjoy being thin and stop being so hard on yourself. If even a skinny thing like you thinks you're fat what hope is there for the rest of us!

Sincerely,
The Fat Mommies Club

P.S. Just because you're skinny doesn't mean we can't be friends. You're beautiful and you look great, who wouldn't want to hang out with you.

My life may not be over

2008-09-08T11:35:00.000-07:00

I have so many things that I want to say. But if I say it all today this post will run on forever, so I will try to just say a thing or two each day for the next couple of days.

The first and most important thing is that my life, as I now know it, may not be over. I have really been worried about how life will be for all of us if Chuck has to move to CrescentCity for work. Ryland is really upset and wants to move with him but that is just nearly impossible. I have been praying for things to work out, relying on the fact that Heavenly Father knows what is best for our family and if we put our faith in him, do the things we need to do, and pray for an answer, it will all work out.

Last night I had a thought. Chuck has not even been offered the job yet but I feel confident that he will be so I have been moping around the house lately. But last night I had a thought. CrescentCity is only 2 hours from where we live. My dad said there are people who commute from Grants Pass, which is only a half hour closer than we are. Chuck can commute. His work hours would be from 7 am to 3 pm. Even with the two hour commute he could be home by say, 5:30 each night. When he works twelves at the hospital he isn't home until 8. But 5:30, each night! And there are plenty of people who commute like that every day in other cities.

Chuck has not agreed to commute every day but he does like the idea of being home more often and actually having dinner together as a family. We might actually start to look like a normal family, but only in looks of course. What Chuck has agreed to is coming home every other day. That is still amazing. Say he works Tuesday thru Saturday. He would leave Tuesday morning, come home Tuesday night, leave Wednesday morning, come home Thursday night, for young men's, leave Friday morning, come home Saturday night and be home Sunday and Monday. How great would that be.

People have been asking me if I am praying for or against the job and I keep jokingly telling them that I'm not sure. Well, I'd just like to put it out there that I am now praying for the job. So please keep us in your prayers that Chuck WILL get the job. I think this can actually work!

Tomorrow I will do a post with pictures, I promise!

I am so proud of myself

2008-09-05T15:15:00.000-07:00

Alright, I don't want this to become a blog site all about debt and how to save money but I have to share this. First, a little background.
My husband and I have a little problem, well actually it's a big problem, called DEBT! I know that a lot of people have this problem these days and everyone is tired of hearing about it but I need to say this. I think it will help make me more accountable. A couple of years ago I quit my job to be a stay at home mom. Unfortunately, we never adjusted our budget to accommodate just one income, whoops! The first year I was home, we didn't really notice but this last year, yeah we noticed. By the time we realized that we needed to make some changes it was too late. We were in WAY over our heads. So, we did the best we could and started looking for a new job. I couldn't return to work, we now had 4 children and two of them were under the age of 2, so the babysitting costs would counteract what I would be making.
After many humbling months Chuck was offered a new job that would pay him almost double what he was making but it was a full time traveling nurse job. Of course we jumped at the opportunity to make more money. I thought it would be no big deal that he might be gone 1-3 days a week. We'd manage. And we, meaning the children and I, have. Things are rough some days but hey, things were always rough. On the other hand, Chuck has had a really hard time adjusting to being on call 7 days a week. I never thought this of him but apparently he needs a set schedule. He is such a spur of the moment person that I thought he would really enjoy this but he's only spur of the moment at home. At work he needs consistency.
There is another job that came available at the same time but I was VERY against it. There are always positions available at the prison in CrescentCity, our home town, but I really don't want to move back there. That's where our relationship started and almost ended. It's where our old habits still hang out, our old, bad, pre-church habits. And the weather isn't pretty, it rains, a lot. And my friends are here, my ward that I love is here. My house is here. My children's school is here. My mom and her husband live close and my grandparents are moving here. I like it here. I don't want to go back! I won't do it! I won't, I won't, I won't. But Chuck really wants a consistent schedule, and there is overtime, for real this time. So, he went for an interview this week. Why?!?!?!?!?!?!?
So, what does all of this have to do with why I am proud of myself. Well, if you are still with me, I know I ramble, we are in debt. If we could be out of debt, Chuck could go back to working at the hospital and we can stay here, in beautiful Medford, Oregon. We have talked about getting out of debt and even tried a budget a few times but nothing has motivated us enough to really do something. Well guess what, I am motivated now. Chuck will probably take the job in CrescentCity, but only until we clear our debt. So the sooner we do that the better. He will live with my Dad during the work week and come home on weekends. A sacrifice, but one that I feel more comfortable with than moving. We have some really nasty history back there that I'm not sure I'll ever be able to face.
We started the Dave Ramsey TotalMoneyMakeOver program, thank you to Better Than We Deserve. And today, while I was out running errands, I didn't stop for food. I was thirsty and cranky, the baby was hungry and cranky, and we were still 15 minutes from home. I so wanted that huge soda and he wanted food. We were about to turn into the drivethru when I thought about CrescentCity. That stopped me. I backed up and hightailed it out of that parking lot. And boy did that water and pb&j taste good when I got home. OK, yeah for me!
Now that I have gotten all of that off my back I promise not to fill my blog with all these get out of debt sob stories. But do keep asking me how I am doing with it. I need some accountability or I may never make it through the holiday seasons that are almost upon us!

Please finish reading this before you judge

2008-09-04T11:44:00.000-07:00

OK, my husband has told me that I need to be sure and have a positive post every now and then. So, this is my attempt at being positive. No, I really do have something positive to say. I have been working really hard at saving money, cutting things out wherever I can. My husband and I got ourselves into a little debt trouble and are trying desperately to get out of it. As a matter of fact, my husband has just applied for a job 2 1/2 hours from here. We are not in a position to move, the housing market is down in our area, so I may soon be a single mom, except on weekends and holidays. You do what you have to get out of debt. I have even cancelled our satellite, how will my children and I ever survive!

OK, OK, back to the positive note, really there is one. Chuck found this really great blog all about saving money, moneysavingmethods, you can check it out on my blog roll. One of the things she uses that I have decided to try is The Grocery Game. It is a website that helps you save money on your grocery bill by creating a list for your local grocery stores that shows which items are on sale that week. It is updated ever Sunday and very easy to use. The list is color code. Black is on sale, but not at rock bottom prices. Blue items are at rock bottom prices and green items are free. It shows you which coupons to use to get the lowest price possible. The website encourages buying items that are on sale, even if you don't need them. Basically, they want you to have a three months supply but they call it stockpiling. So. not only are you saving money but you're building up your food storage. Once you have used it for 12 weeks all you should really need to buy at the grocery store is perishables and sale items to replenish your pantry. Does this make any sense? If you want to check it out they run a 4 week trial for only $1. After that it is $10 every 8 weeks. I have really gotten some great deals at the store in the last 4 weeks, the only bummer is that you have to find a way to get the Sunday paper for the coupons. Oh, and you can't be embarrassed to hold up the line for 10-15 minutes while the checker scans all of your coupons! If you do decided to check out the site, thegrocerygame.com, be sure to use my e-mail address as a reference, c-cdungan@charter.net.
If you check it out let me know what you think and feel free to e-mail me with any questions.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

2008-09-02T19:28:00.000-07:00

If this were ANYONE, and I do mean probably anyone else, it would be funny, or at least cute, or maybe at least understandable. But to me, well, this is why I lay in my driveway on the dirty ground and cry. Why I asked my husband to change the lock combination on our gun safe. Why I am on so much medication that I don't want to eat and my milk supply is dwindling, only making me feel even worse. Why I sometimes cry for no reason. Why I yell at my kids, even in the morning before they've had a chance to do something wrong, or right. Why I have locks on the cabinets and hide food in my room and keep the door locked so that ever time I get out of the shower I have to stand in the hallway fumbling with the key.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As I said in an earlier post, we made an enormous cake for the last day of summer party we had for the kids. I let my children eat cake that day, and lots of it. I intended to let them have more for dessert tonight. I intended to send some over to Travis so he could have some. I heard he loves cake.

I was so angry I didn't even think to take a picture of the wreckage, I just slammed it into the trash and started crying, not hysterically, just like a mom on the edge of her sanity. Ryland licked all the frosting off of eight, yes eight, pieces of cake and ate the ninth piece. All in a matter of moments. I made the mistake of falling asleep while I was nursing the baby this evening. I was probably only out for about 5 minutes but that's all it takes. 5 minutes, I can't even stop for FIVE MINUTES! I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I am just so tired of having to watch him every minute of every day. I mean come on, he's almost 11. When will I ever be able to let my guard down. Oh yeah, 7 years, 4 months, 6 days, 4 hours, 22 minutes and 15 seconds from now.

Kathlene is such a bad influence on me!

2008-09-01T21:59:00.000-07:00

Today I really wanted to do something fun with the kids, it was their last day of Summer and all. I would never have done anything with them but then Kathlene came up with this great idea of having an end of summer party. The kids had a blast and we sugared them up. Fried, not microwaved, corn dogs, oranges with sugar stick straws, snow cones, a pinata, AND the biggest cake the kids could find absolutely covered in sprinkles and frosting. We let the kids pick out the cake pan, I have a ton of them from trying to be a super mom and make homemade cakes for birthdays, and they picked a 24 inch round pan. They then filled it with two boxes of cake mix, covered it in THREE cans of frosting and every sprinkle I had in the house. We were having such a good time celebrating summer's end that it was 5:30 by the time we ate the cake. I think it was probably the best back to school dinner my kids have ever had.

And the reason I think Kathlene is a bad influence has nothing to do with the fact that the kids ate so much junk food, most of that was my idea, but she's a bad influence because I actually did something fun with my kids today. They are going to start expecting that of me all the time and I am just not sure that I can live up to that! I'm not the "fun" mom, I'm the mom who makes the kids clean their rooms, do the dishes, restricts their candy intake, and never lets them do anything they consider fun. Who did I become today? This is so not me! But I really am thankful that the kids were able to enjoy their last day of freedom.

As for me, I love that school starts tomorrow. My uncle used to laugh at this Staple commercial. It was a father running down the aisles of a Staples store, jumping and dancing, with two kids following him, moping, heads hung down, feet dragging, while the song "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" played in the background. I never really understood why my uncle thought it was so funny until my kids started school. Now, every time it comes close to school starting that song plays in my head over, and over, and over again. "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!"

Do you ever do this?

2008-08-30T23:41:00.000-07:00

OK, so I hope the person whose picture I am about to use doesn't read my blog and if so, sorry but I just had to share this. I'm not what you would call "skinny." Because of this little (ha ha) fat, oops! I mean FACT, I am constantly asking my husband, "Is that what I look like?" Now, I know that I DON'T look like the woman in this picture but as I held the camera in my hand and saw this woman at the beach all I could do was laugh silently to myself and think about my blog. I have been dying to add this so that I can find out if other people are as obsessed about how fat they look as I am. So, for those of you who know me let me know in my comments "Is that what I look like?"

And for those of you who don't know what I currently look like, do you find that you are constantly comparing yourself to people that you see?

My first time!

2008-08-22T22:51:00.000-07:00

It's sad, and I can't believe that I am going to admit to this but I have lived in the valley for seven years now and tonight the first time I went to the theatre. While in high school, we used to come up regularly and go to the theatre but I haven't been, not even once, since we moved here. It is so very sad. But Mike won tickets to The Children's Musical Theatre of Oregon's production of Oklahoma and we decided, why not, I mean, they were FREE, where's the excuse. When we picked up the tickets we realized they were for last night but the kids and I pleaded our case at the box office and they let us in. It was a great play and I am so glad that the kids had a good time. We may not have a ton of cultural things to do here but at least I can expose my children to the theatre every once in a while. I would like to post a picture of our great night out, we dressed up and everything, but I was so focused on trying to get in that I completely forgot to take pics. Sorry

It's my party and I'll....

2008-08-19T10:27:00.000-07:00

eat all the cake and candy I want to. I'm not one of "those" moms that never let their kids have candy and sweets. We have them occasionally but it is definitely monitored. However, there are exceptions and birthdays are one of them. I let the kids eat candy and cake till they're silly with sugar. It's fun to see them try and eat everything in site every once in a while.
Loren's party was at the water park last Saturday and we had such a good time playing in the water and hanging out with friends.

The pinata was a huge hit, as always, and the cake was soooo good. (thank you Costco!) Loren hardly opened any gifts at the actual party. He spent all of his time naming all the cars on the back of the box. He is so in love with Lightning McQueen and Doc right now.

This was an extra special get together because we were able to see Auntie Brenda and Tevin and Cavin who are down from Alaska for the next 11 months. Boy was the heat a shock to their poor little systems.

Daddy picked out this really cool "bike" for Loren so he can ride on his own now. I love that the handle allows you to actually turn the bike, since Loren has no idea what he's doing yet.

O.K. don't gag but...

2008-08-15T23:08:00.000-07:00

I just have to share this. We went out shopping this evening with ALL 4 kids. Loren's birthday party is tomorrow and we needed to pick up all the last minute odds and ends. ANYWAY, when we finally pulled into the driveway, sweaty (oh yeah, 100 degrees at 8 pm), tired, and cranky we decided to have prayer in the truck and then send all the kids straight to bed. Of course nothing goes the way you want it to when you're tired and cranky. Ryland lost his shoe and thinks it might be in the Win-Co parking lot. Kenzie needed to take a shower, because she was so sweaty. And I needed to remember to take my pill, darn that mastitis! So, the baby's in his carseat screaming and Chuck and I are trying to take one last look for Ryland's shoe and bring in everything. All of a sudden I notice that the baby isn't screaming anymore. I look over at him to make sure he is still alive and there's Loren, my sweet little almost 2 year old, rocking the baby and saying soothing little things to him. It's times like this that I remember why I thought it would be a good idea to have two more children. That sweet, simple act was all it took to bring the spirit back into our house. I just love that curly headed, big eyed, little man!

Thank you Family Fun

2008-08-14T20:42:00.001-07:00

I just love Family Fun magazine! I think that most of their crafts and snacks are very kid friendly and fun. Kenzie, Allison, Loren and I made these mini carmel apples. The carmel didn't stick very well but we had a good time making them and eating the leftover chocolate and carmel!

I swear I'm not a stalker

2008-08-07T21:38:00.000-07:00

Do you remember when you started dating someone new. It was exciting and you couldn't wait to see them. You wanted to call them all the time and be with them every second of the day. Remember when that boyfriend went on vacation with his family during the summer and you couldn't wait for him to come home? It's silly, I know, but that's how I have felt ever since Kathlene left. I have so, so, so enjoyed spending time with her. I was ALMOST counting the days until she came back. My daughter and I even drove past her house while she was gone, just in case she came home early. I'm not a stalker, really I'm not, I'm just excited to have someone to hang out with who is so much fun. Kathlene, your family is so sweet and we are all glad that you are home again. Hopefully this isn't like saying "I love you" too soon, sending the boy running as fast as he can in the other direction!

What if.....

2008-08-04T21:56:00.000-07:00

Do you ever get caught up in the what ifs? I hate them. They ruin my good days. And they devastate my bad days. The one that hurts the most is "what if my son was normal?" Is that bad to say? Do you all think that I am a horrible mom? Well, I think this all the time and I think that I am a horrible mom so don't feel too bad.
Well, some of you might be wondering what I mean by all of this. I'll let you in on a little secret. My son has ODD. Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Sure, many of you think that your children also have this but let me tell you, you'd know if your child had this! I cringe every time I have to tell my son no. I cringe every time he wakes up. What kind of a mood will he be in? Will he start the day with smiles and lure me into a false sense of "today will be a good day." Or will the day just start off badly. Sometimes that's better, that way you know what will happen.
So what is ODD? Doesn't every child have this? NO! ODD is having to physically restrain your son so that he doesn't harm himself or you. But usually he does hurt us when we have to hold him down. ODD is having your son say, "I will not do (insert whatever you want). You can't make me, and I don't care what you do to me, I won't do it" ODD is having your daughter take the two youngest children to another room so that they will stop freaking out when you oldest son is having a breakdown. And by breakdown I mean yelling, hitting, spitting, biting, thrashing around. There are actually cases of siblings of children with ODD who have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. ODD is calling your husband at 11 pm freaking out because your son has just hit you repeatedly with a bat, luckily not a wooden or metal one. ODD is thinking "I sometimes hate my son." ODD is sometimes thinking "I could just pack my bags and run away. They'd never find me and I would be free."
So, do you get the idea now? This post isn't to have people feel sorry for me, I get enough of that from my family. If you want to call child protective services, don't worry, the police have been to my house more than once. If you think we should all be medicated and seeing a psychiatrist, don't worry, we already are. What this post is for is for advice. Do any of you have a child with a similar disorder? Or the same disorder. I have heard that autistic children can often show the same behaviors. I am always looking for stories from other moms and dads who are going through the same thing. I am always looking for a solution. I have read almost every book out there on the subject. I have tried almost every program. Mostly to no avail. But even though I am usually pretty pessimistic I am often times hopeful that there is something out there that will help my son and my family.
But what if there isn't.
What if he will never outgrow this or learn to deal with it.
What if he can never go on a mission.
What if he never gets married and has children of his own.
What if he hits puberty and is diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder instead of getting better.
What if he hits me again.
What if he hurts one of my other children.
What if I finally snap under the stress and do something I will regret. OK, I've done this but what if next time it's worse and irreversible.
What if the stress is too much for my husband and I, and we don't make it.

See, the what ifs just really take over and can ruin a perfectly good day.

Please, if you have stories you are willing to share or advice(I might not heed it, but you never know) I would appreciate it.

Plums anyone?

2008-08-04T18:19:00.001-07:00

Please, if you or anyone you know likes plums please come to my house and take all you want. We have the largest plum tree I have ever seen and it is overflowing with ripe plums. My children are eating them as fast as they can but there are still SO MANY. I hate to see them go to waste! No need to call, just show up and bring something to put them in.

You should smell my house right now!

2008-07-31T21:35:00.000-07:00

Alright, a friend of mine and I were talking about ways to save money on our grocery bill. She told me that she has been making their bread instead of paying $4 a loaf (for decent bread). So I took her challenge and tried making loaves of wheat bread tonight. All I have to say is WOW! I can't believe how nice these look and how absolutely wonderful they taste. I took some pictures for all of you but there is no comparison to actually smelling it!

Oh, and after talking about the ins and outs of bread making we never really talked about much elese. However, if you live in the Medford, Oregon area chicken is $1.88 a pound at Albertsons right now. And the one on North Phoenix Rd had some great deals on the biggest box of Huggies diapers I have ever seen. I also found a generic brand of liquid laundry detergent, 64 loads, for $3.99.

"Violet, you're turning violet!"

2008-07-28T15:21:00.000-07:00

So, I told YONF and Mrs. B that my wish was to go play tennis. And I did. But this is what happened.

This picture just really doesn't seem to do my wound justice, it really is gross, big, painful, and did I say painful. So, not only did I fall and hurt my pride, and my leg, but my face was as purple as Violet Beauregard's when she chewed the gum in Willy Wonka's factory. It always is when I exercise. But it was really bad today because I am SO out of shape. I had a really good time and will go again but was totally humiliated!

Oh yeah, and when I told my husband, his response was.....

"Did you fall because you're out of shape or because you're OLD?"

Nice, right.

Love you to honey!

I love this

2008-07-27T19:49:00.000-07:00

I saw this on someone's blog and couldn't stop watching the dancer. Tell me what you see!

Optical Illusions Challenge

Check this out!

2008-07-27T02:33:00.000-07:00

Hey girls! After the other night I couldn't stop thinking about how much fun it was to race around the track. I have heard the comercials for the slick car track and finally looked it up. Check out this website. And Kathlene, when you get back we all need to go for a Girls' Night Out.

http://www.slickkart.com/slick_kart_track.htm

Watch out Florence, Here come the Dungans

2008-07-26T00:00:00.000-07:00

Here are some pictures of the house Chuck and I have rented for the last week of August. Chuck has to work a couple of the nights but I am really excited about going and I know the kids will have a great time. Who wouldn't want to stay on the coast and play in the sand, enjoy 70 instead of 90 degree weather and be in such a nice house? By the way, $10 bucks says Loren will try and ride that camel before the trip is over.

Photo of the Mediterranean River Mist.

The camel and potted palms.

Photo of the dining area.

Master suite.

View of the back patio and hot tub."

If after looking at these pics you want to come stay with us, just let me know. It's always the more the merrier with us. We plan on taking Rock Band and Settelers with us. Oh, and lots of junk food, beach toys, and whatever else I can fit in the van.

Rock Band ROCKS!!!!!

2008-07-25T23:41:00.000-07:00

OK, so who cares other than me but I just beat Say It Ain't So, by Weezer, on the drums on medium with 4 STARS. I know it's an easy song but I did it. As Guitar Hero would say........

"YOU ROCK"

or better yet

"I ROCK"

Uncle Fester, is that you?

2008-07-25T19:05:00.000-07:00

Ashland or Bust

2008-07-25T18:59:00.000-07:00

Chuck was feeling ambitious this morning and decided to take the three kids for a bike ride. I received a phone call at work and it was Chuck asking me to meet them in Ashland. I can't believe that the kids rode all the way out there. It's about 12 miles on the bike path. Way to go kids. Oh, and Chuck.

Collynn

2008-07-25T18:56:00.001-07:00

Collynn is a litte over two months old now. He is in love with this pacifier and I think his hair is a bit red. Isn't he just too cute!!!!!

How the Dungans eat Ice Cream

2008-07-25T18:47:00.000-07:00

This is how we eat ice cream in the Dungan household!

This should be cute.........but it's not

2008-07-25T18:29:00.000-07:00

Why is my 8 year old daughter bathing my son. Well, let's see. I went out last night with the girls, had a great time, and should have been well rested and ready for the next day right? Wrong! Though I didn't take pictures of all of the disasters I will name them for you. I found myself cleaning up after Loren all evening. First it was Styrofoam all over the living room floor. Then it was juice on the kitchen floor. Next was an almost full box of cereal dumped out in the back room. And to top it all off he was finger painting my room and himself with my new deodorant. I had just had it and Kenzie could tell by the yelling that it was not going to get any better so she saved her brother by putting him in the bath while I cleaned up the remaining mess and mumbled to myself about the many uses of duct tape.

On the not so funny side of it, Kenzie is currently in counseling for this very thing. With all that goes on with Ryland in our house I have noticed that she is always trying to make things right and easier for me. What am I doing to my 8 year old? Is she going to spend her whole life putting other's needs before her own and become a fixer? Or is she just learning the joys of service? Where is her childhood? Am I taking it away from her? I know that I shouldn't but I really have learned to rely on her taking care of Loren when things are tough with Ryland and now she is also stepping in and taking care of him when I am frustrated and on the edge with him. What is wrong with me? I see plenty of other families and they don't seem to rely on their 8 year old to step in when things get tough. Well, our family is what it is and I am paying for the counseling now to hopefully help her so she (or her husband) won't have to pay for it later. I am trying to do my part.

Sleep Over

2008-07-23T22:54:00.000-07:00

Kenzie had Alison over the other night for a sleep over. She loves having a friend who can come over all the time. I let the girls eat candy and popcorn while we watched Penelope (too cute) and College Road Trip. When the movies were over around 11:30 the girls got a little crazy!

Chocolate Chip Cookies

2008-07-21T00:40:00.001-07:00

I love to bake. I like to make bread, cookies, cake and anything else that is sweet and yummy. But I always have problems with chocolate chip cookies. They usually end up looking like cow patties, flat and lifeless but still good. However, this has all changed thanks to Lara Anders. I tried her chocolate chip cookies at a dessert exchange last month and decided a new receipe was exactly what I needed. It is the Nestle Tollhouse receipe with a twist, you add a package of vanilla pudding. They turned out beautifully and the taste is amazing. My famiy thanks you Lara!!!!

What was I thinking!

2008-07-21T00:20:00.000-07:00

Against my better judgement I went to the grocery store today. I try to never go to the store on Sundays. One, because I shouldn't and two, it always ends in disaster. I had hoped that today would be different because I was going for such a good reason. Collynn hasn't pooped in 5 days and I didn't have any vaseline to take his temp rectally. Sorry for all the details if they make you squimish. Since I was already going to the store I decided to pick up a few things that we needed so that I wouldn't have to go again tomorrow. It takes a lot out of me to take all 4 kids to the store. Of course, I am always reminded why you should never go against your better judgement. Ryland had an accident while in the car, typical reaction to having to go somewhere when he doesn't want to, Loren screamed through the whole store, jumping and yelling in the cart and dumping things out as we went down the isles, and Kenzie kept asking for everything that caught her eye. When we finally made it to the checkout stand we were getting quite a few looks, like their kids never scream in the store. The checker seemed very sympathetic but kept asking me if I needed any help out. After the third time she asked I felt like screaming out "Just shut up and put my groceries in the cart!" Of course, I would never speak to anyone that way but boy did I want her to just hurry up so that I could get out of there. Once we finally made it to the truck and got everyone buckled in I was finally starting to calm down. The air conditioner never felt as blissful as it did at that moment. Why did I do it, well hopefully Collynn will have some relief by tomorrow and I don't have to worry about going back to the store for a few days. Was it worth it, who knows!

Lithia Park

2008-07-19T01:16:00.000-07:00

I know this is unpopular but we love Ashland. There's just something about it. It's so pretty and everything is within walking distance and their parks are so well kept. It's laid back and did I say it's beautiful? ANYWAY, we had the best family day today. Chuck and I often try and plan family days but they usually end with all of us ready to strangle one another. The kids are fighting, I'm hot and frustrated, Chuck is annoyed, and Loren is screaming, oh and the baby is hungry and won't stop crying. Did I mention that I usually just want to duct tape my children's mouths shut so I can have TWO SECONDS of quiet. Today was different. It started out the same, Chuck always like to keep things a secret, like our destination, and Ryland insists on knowing where we are going. So the trip started out with the two of them arguing back and forth but that's pretty normal. But when we got to the park with our lunch everything changed. We ate lunch on the grass in the shade and the weather was perfect! The kids threw change in the fountain, we played in the creek, raced up and down the rope structure, well I didn't but Chuck, Ryland, and Kenzie did. Walked to both duck ponds (there were no ducks in the lower pond) and just enjoyed each other's company. It was the best day and it didn't cost us an arm and a leg. The kids played together so well, the creek kept everyone cool, and the someone let the kids share their loaf of bread so that they could feed the ducks, thank you to the young man for sharing. Like I said, there is just something about Ashland that I love!!!!!

Year of No Fear

2008-07-19T01:05:00.000-07:00

Well, I have a lot of fears. My biggest is probably my fear of the dark. Seriously, I am afraid of the dark and I'm 30 years old. Who knew a childhood fear could follow you into adulthood? With Chuck working I have a really hard time going to sleep, so if you are ever up in the middle of the night give me a call, really, I will be awake. Anyway, back to year of no fear. After having read this blog and thinking about how courageous these women are I thought that I should tackle a fear. We went to the Skabelund's house last night to play Rock Band (love it, had to have it, bought it today!!!) and I did the unthinkable, I sang, in front of people!!!! And you know what, it felt really, really, really good and NO ONE laughed at me. Well, there's one fear now taken care of, not that I am going to become a karaoke queen but I will probably sing while playing Rock Band again. Oh, and if you want to see this great blog, Year of No Fear, here's the link http://yearofnofear.blogspot.com/

Her New BFF

2008-07-16T16:25:00.000-07:00

These two have become inseperable. If they are not at my house they're at Kathlene's house. We keep waiting for them to get tired of each other but I am begining to wonder if that will happen. Aren't they cute!!!! Allison and Kenzie BFFs!!!!!!!

Bike Update

2008-07-16T12:37:00.000-07:00

So, Kenzie did learn how to ride her bike, yeah!!! Unfortunately, she is still very timid. The other day Chuck decided to have the kids ride to the pool for their lessons. It's mostly downhill on the way there and Kenzie didn't feel comfortable so Chuck grabbed hold of her handle bars to help her balance. Apparently it didn't help enough because she slammed on her front brakes and sent both of them flying over the handlebars. Now, this is how she preffers to ride.......

And no, that's not chocolate or a mustache under her nose, that's road rash.

Chuck's Finds

2008-07-16T10:46:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how many of you know this about Chuck but he loves to go to yard sales. He may only have one good eye but I swear he can spot a yard sale sign 2 miles away! If I ever send him out on an errand on Friday or Saturday he is definetly going to call me from a yard sale and ask me if he can buy something. And sometimes he finds some REALLY good deals. He once bought me a scrapbooking bag for $10. I had been trying to find one on e-bay and the cheapest I had found was about $100, great deal. But usually he is calling trying to tell me that the kids really need this or that, which is hillarious because he is always complaining that they have too much and their rooms are a mess. But the last couple of things he found for the kids have been a real hit. He spent $20 the other day on a train set for Loren. Loren is in love with Thomas. Anyway, he bought the entire Island of Sodor for $20, trains included! And he bought Kenzie a dress maker's model. She is always drawing outfits for people and wants to learn to make clothes. If you have any extra material just sitting around, she would gladly take it off your hands!

I love The Tour!!!!!

2008-07-14T00:22:00.000-07:00

Does anyone else out there watch the tour? It has completely taken over our lives. Chuck and I watch almost nothing else and yes, it actually keeps me on the edge of my seat! OK, sometimes I fall asleep during the middle but I love the commentating and the end sprint. I love George Hincapie, what a man, what a rider. How can someone ride year after year knowing that they aren't there to win but to aide someone else in winning? Like Chuck is always saying, it's his job, it's what he is paid to do, but still!!!! I would love to see him win a stage this year. And I sure miss watching Lance ride. I love that an American team, team Columbia, is doing so well. But I'm not sure who I'm cheering on for the overall win.

As for George, we can all watch him at this year's Summer Olympics, which will also take over our lives this summer. Yes, I know, we watch a lot of tv, but at least it's sports (sometimes!)

Collynn's first TOES IN THE SAND

2008-07-13T23:26:00.000-07:00

We took the two younger boys to Florence a few weeks ago. I forget how much I miss the beach until we visit. Collynn is really too young to enjoy it yet but he had his toes in the sand for the first time. I just had to take a picture of this historic moment. For those of you who live near the beach, I know you think this is no big deal but for those of us who don't this is a novelty, a dream, a first time moment! Plus, who doesn't love pics of a baby.

Loren, however, had a blast. He LOVED throwing rocks, sticks, sand, and shells into the water. We took off his shorts and diaper and let him go. He spent the whole time throwing things into the water and then running into the water chasing after them so he could throw them again.

By the time we left, kicking and screaming of course, he was covered in sand. It was in all the cracks and crevices, which is so fun to try and clean. Ryland used to spend hours at the beach with his Papa and I forgot how much fun the kids have at the beach. We went back the next day but the wind was OUTRAGEOUS. The kite we bought starting flying as soon as it came out of the package. We only spent about 10 minutes there, Loren didn't care for the wind. Luckily, Chuck has been working in Florence quite a bit the last two months and we will be able to take all the kids there before school starts.

What a Great Dad

2008-07-13T23:12:00.000-07:00

After years and too many tears, she finally did it. Chuck has been begging Kenzie to learn to ride a two wheeler. She did it a few years ago but had one fall and gave up. But the other day a friend of Chuck's, thanks Rick, gave him a few pointers and some motivation, to teach Kenzie to ride. They took the training wheels and pedals off of her bike and headed over to the school the other day. Why the pedals you may ask, well, let me explain. He took the pedals off and let her roll down a slight hill. Without the distraction of pedaling she figured out how to balance without the training wheels! After a couple of times down the hill, and quite a few tears, she figured it out. He then put the pedals back on and sent her down the hill again, and guess what, she did it. The whole ordeal only took about 15 minutes. It was amazing. I thought that after the first couple of trips down the hill she was going to give up and go home but Chuck dug in his heels and made her do it again and again. And it was sooooo worth it. They can now go on rides together, a dream finally realized.

Yeah! I finally did it!!

2008-07-13T22:08:00.000-07:00

So, here it is. I have finally started a blog. It took me months to figure out, only because I didn't really take the time to try. But with Chuck gone all of the time I have lots of free time, usually from midnight till who knows when in the morning. Also, I have been reading lots of other blogs and want to share with others too. This might end up being more of a way for me to vent the frustrations of mothering 4 children, one of whom has ODD (more on that later) but I hope it will also be a way for my family and friends to see how the kids are doing. Oh, and maybe Chuck will be able to see what we're up to while he's away.