Newport

Today marks the start of my training for marathon number 3. I am just a little nervous at the thought of spending the next 16 weeks fretting over every run, everything I put in my mouth, and every workout. My hope is to complete my training injury free and mentally ready. While I finished my first marathon, in a very sad 6 hours and 26 minutes I was hardly able to walk for 2 weeks because of hip injuries. Marathon number 2 I finished with a drastically improved time of 5 hours 29 minutes but I lost myself mentally around mile 21. Here's to hoping that number 3 will be the best one yet.

Feeling Entitled

I have finally figured out why going to a restaurant on a diet is so hard. I find myself looking at the menu thinking, "I should order the chicken and steamed veggies but I'm at a restaurant, shouldn't I be eating the best looking thing on the menu." Why would someone go out to dinner and not eat the best looking thing on the menu, even if it's 2000 plus calories for one meal. I feel like I am entitled to eat whatever I want, just because we are out to eat.
While we are out to eat last night I couldn't help but look around and take a look at what others around me were eating. Here I am with my broiled chicken and lettuce with the dressing on the side enviously watching people down these huge, juicy, very yummy burgers. It just makes me so mad. And then, there's the woman sitting at the table across from us. She's ordered a salad, obviously trying to make a healthy decision, but it's topped with fried chicken strips, bacon, cheese, and dripping in ranch dressing. She should have saved herself the hassle and just ordered what she really wanted. It might even have been less calories.
I hate restaurants and diets!

Oh how things change

Today I just couldn't believe my eyes, or my ears. My two oldest were fighting again. Okay, I didn't have a hard time believing that, the thing that amazed me was the way they responded to our punishment. It's so hard to come up with a good punishment that fits the crime and really makes a point. We have tried many things but today we decided to go back to good old sentence writing. Oh, how I love to torture my children by making them write sentences.

The thing is, this used to be pure torture for Ryland, who has fine motor skill problems. So, I thought he might be upset and that Kenzie would hate it but sail through them. Boy was I wrong. This school year has been amazing. Ryland has not had to use the alphasmart at school and his teacher is even teaching him how to write in cursive. I didn't think of all these amazing things until they started writing their sentences.

Kenzie threw her papers on the ground, stomped her little feet, cried, and begged to do, "anything else" and Ryland, well, he sat down, numbered his paper 1-50 and started writing. I can't believe how things have changed for him. He is amazing. His teacher is amazing. I just love him and all these new changes. While we still struggle every day with simple things because of his being bipolar it's so nice to be able to watch him be able to do something that even just a year ago he could not have accomplished.

Oh, how the tides have turned in our house, and you know, I really don't mind.

2009 all at once

In 2009 I.........

Lost 50 pounds
trained for a 5k, ran a 5k
trained for a 10 mile, ran a 1o mile
trained for a marathon, and ran a marathon, that's 26.2 miles for those of you who don't know

I had my step daughter move in with us, and then tragically move out again, and is now moving back in again.

We adopted two dogs, and lost a dog

I watched my babies turn 1, 3, 9, 11, and 19

Potty trained my second to last child

Was laid off from a job and found a new job

Went to a Priesthood Preview fireside with my oldest son, and realized that in just a few weeks I will be the proud mother of a deacon

Struggled with my son all through 5th grade and finally found a classroom that fits his needs, and am now the mother of a happy son who has friends, does his work, and is not constantly in trouble at school

Learned to knit but forgot how to scrapbook and sew or at least forgot how to find time for those things

Attended my favorite Christmas party twice and went home with two gorgeous ornaments, both from the same person

Have read several great books and a couple not so great ones

Learned how to survive without my husband during the week and how to lean heavily on my Heavenly Father

Okay, I am sure there is a lot more that happened this last year but that's all that I can think of right now. I've missed you all out there in the blogger world and can't wait to start blogging again.

Acceptance

I think it has finally come and maybe all due to my sister-in-law. I am feeling like myself again, I am getting out of bed again, I am talking, and not screaming, to my children again.
Let me explain. My sister-in-law came up last week. The kids had the week off of school for parent/teacher conferences and Thanksgiving. I was a little scared to be alone for the week with the kids out of school and some how talked Alysia into staying with me for the week. And what an absolute blessing she was. Her children are older and she loves babies so she held my baby for me all week. ALL WEEK! She woke up with the kids and helped them with breakfast, she watched the kids while I went to the store or ran other errands. She carried on adult conversations with me, and she just hung out. For an entire week. It has really taken me out of my funk and made me realize that I can do this. I can't tell her enough how much she helped me by just being here for me, with me, all week.
I realize that my husband is not going to magically find a job closer to home. We are not going to magically wake-up one day and be debt free. This is not going to be easy for us. BUT IT IS POSSIBLE TO SURVIVE through this. And more than just survive but be happy while doing it. Our bishop spoke to us this last Sunday about provident living and becoming debt free. It just reinforced that what we are doing is the right thing.
I have so many people to thank for helping me make it to this point. My friend Robbie came over two nights ago and showed me how to chop wood. Too bad he didn't get here sooner, he might have saved my finger and foot from the trauma they experienced. But he came over and chopped wood for me in the very cold night air.
As I already said, Alysia spent a week with me and helped me to become me again.
My trainer has had a huge part in my healing and acceptance. She is so very supportive and there for me. She has helped me to realize that food is not going to make me feel better and has helped me realize some goals that I never thought I could accomplish.
My mom listens to me freak out every time I need to yell and I don't want to yell at the kids or upset my husband by freaking out on the phone with him when we both know there is nothing he can do.
My fellow bloggers. I'm not sure if you all know how much your comments have lifted me up or brought smiles to my face when I wasn't sure I could smile.
And finally, my husband. Through all of this he has been there for me. Supported me. Loved me. And slapped me into reality when I was way off in space. OK, he didn't literally slap me but you know what I mean.

Oh, and today was the end of my 10 week biggest loser challenge. We were supposed to have our finale tonight but they changed it at the last minute and we will do another final weigh-in on Saturday morning. And I can't wait to tell you all my results! I haven't reached my goal weight yet but it has only been 10 weeks and I had more than 50 lbs to lose. I will post before and after pictures and my inches lost, as well as how many pants sizes I have lost. It's amazing and I can't wait to finish this journey and reach my goal weight, or size, I haven't decided yet.

It could always be worse, right?

I just found myself telling a friend, "It could be worse." But is that really true? Can things really be worse? I mean, I guess I could be dead but as the song goes "And should we die before our journey's through. Happy day! All is well. We then are free from toil and sorrow too. With the just we shall dwell!"
This has been a heck of a week. Let's just start with today, since it is all so fresh in my mind.
Please, any Hoover parents, this is not about you, at least I don't think it is.
Kenzie really wanted to try out for the talent show at school this year. She missed last week and today was the only other time she could try out. No biggie, right? All the note said is that she would need a ride home. As a little background let me explain the school situation. My kids' school is being rebuilt and they are being sent to two different schools. Ryland is across the street at the middle school and Kenzie is bused to Hoover. Their school used to be just around the corner and it was easy to walk there or have them walk home. Anyway, Ryland and Kenzie get out of school at about the same time but they are in two different places. So, I was going to have Kenzie stay at the school, try out and then pick her up once Ryland was home. We then were going to go to her orthodontist appointment. Busy, but no big deal.
About 30 minutes before the audition I get a phone call from her school. I need to come down and sign a paper so that she can audition and I need to be there with her. This makes for a bit of a time crunch but I get the two little ones ready and patiently wait for Ryland. As soon as he got home I rushed everyone into the car and took off for Kenzie's school. When I got there she was waiting for me in the office. A little weird, I thought she would be in the gym but whatever. I sign the paper, of course my daughter isn't going to use any offensive language, and rush her to the audition. The women in charge asks for our paper and hands me a number. 38. Let me say that again, 38! I then explain my situation, I have all 4 children with me, two of which are sick, and my daughter has an appointment in an hour. Can we please go sooner? Can you guess what she told me? Can you see where this is going? She had the nerve to tell me that I should pack up the kids, drive across town to the appointment, and then come back. What the!? Does the woman have no children of her own? Did she realize what she was asking of me? And if we missed the audition, Kenzie would never forgive me. So we decide to wait, and wait, and wait. We waited for THREE hours. I was the only mom there with children who were not school age. The two year old screamed for about half the time and then threw up every where. The 6 month old cried, he has puss pockets on his throat and won't eat. The 10 year old bothered everyone in site and took food from who knows where. And Kenzie, she cried. Three hours. And then, as the end of the third hour was approaching, the woman had the nerve to say, "Oh, I think it's almost your turn. That wasn't so bad, was it?" I wanted to kick her face in. Claw out her eyes. Rip her hair out, strand by strand. If it had been the Roosevelt PTO, they would have been compassionate and let me go ahead. I wasn't asking to go first. I wasn't trying to get out of staying and waiting. I was trying to juggle.
Three hours!!!!!!
She'd better make it into the talent show!
As for the rest of my week. Needless to say, it's been interesting. With both babies sick I have not really been getting any sleep. My usually happy, never really fussy baby has turned into a hold me, never put me down, won't sleep baby. I am sleep deprived and on top of that I am taking steroids, FOR MY ASTHMA, not to bulk up, and they make me crazy and sleepless.
And my son was diagnosed with juvenile onset of bi-polar disorder. And my husband lives 2 hours away. What is going on? I'm not sure how much more I can take, really.
The bi-polar, well, we knew it was leading to that, so it wasn't really a shock, just a huge reality check. Bi-polar is forever.
The asthma and steroids, well that goes along with working out. And I really am loving the working out. Not being able to go to the gym because the kids are sick is really adding to my depression.
But the husband living two hours away. That is really killing me. I know that things aren't easy for him, being there without all of us and missing out on what we are doing. But he doesn't have 4 kids to take care of all alone. I need a break but I think I have worn out all of my friends with helping me with necessary things and there's no favors left for just some plain old sanity time.
People keep asking what they can do to help but what do you tell people? How can someone help me, really? Can they come spend the night with me so that they can help me in the middle of the night with the baby? Can they make dinner so that I can get some of the chores that have been neglected done? Can they come spend hours over at my house so that I can have a conversation with someone that's not two or not arguing with me about not wanting to do homework? I love my friends, I am greatful for all of the offers for help but I just don't know what I need. I need my husband. I need to be out of debt so that he can quit this horrible job. I need to know why I am not supposed to move to be with him. I am just needy, and sad, and depressed, and living a lie of telling people, "Oh, we're ok." I mean, I guess we're ok. We have a home, it's warm, we have food in the fridge, I'm not actually a single parent, my children, other than my son, will get better.
It could be worse, right?

My Testimony

Well, today is another day and I am still here. I guess that is something to shout about, right? I have felt so blessed by all of the uplifting comments left and all of the real life hugs and offers of support that I feel I need to let everyone know how grateful I am.

I have a testimony of the power of prayer. I wasn't raised in the church and I wasn't taught how to pray or even why people pray. It took a lot for me to realize that prayer is such an important tool. I have had so many prayers answered in the last couple of years. I still struggle with daily personal prayer and I especially struggle with turning to prayer when I am angry. But when I humble myself enough to get down on my knees and turn to my Heavenly Father for help I realize that he has just been patiently waiting for me to ask so that he can shower me with help and blessings, more than I feel I deserve.

I have a testimony of service. Both of giving and receiving. Each time I give of myself without grumbling I am blessed. In RS this last week we listened to President Uchtdorf's talk that he gave during the General RS broadcast and something he said really struck me. He told us that when we are feeling especially down, like our lives are spinning out of control and we feel that we are dealing with more than we can handle, we should find someone who is in need of something and go help them. He said it will make you realize that what you are struggling with is not as bad as you think it is. You will realize that there are others with much bigger problems than you and you will be given the opportunity to make their load a little lighter. I know that all too often I get caught up in the "why me" state of mind. It is truly hard to break out of and I was so inspired by this thought of instead of continuing to drown yourself in self-pity to look for someone in need and give of your time.

I have a testimony of the Prophet and the other church leaders. I know that they are inspired by God to lead us and guide us. I know that President Monson is a prophet of the Lord.

I have a testimony of the blessings of the Priesthood. I am so grateful that my husband is a worthy priesthood holder. He is able to lead and guide our family through inspiration from the Lord. I have a testimony of it's healing power. I have seen children healed, I have felt the healing power myself. Both of a physical and spiritual nature. I know that my husband has his own struggles but I am so thankful that through it all he is still a worthy priesthood holder.

I am grateful for my family. I love my husband and my children. I love all of you, too. You help me get up when I have fallen. You help me to laugh when I am having a bad day. You help me to realize that I am not alone in all of this. Thank you.